Paranoia calls

A few months ago, my pooch, who has been with me for 15 years, died. There’s nothing like the death of a loved one to make you rethink some stuff. Like whether its a good idea to leave your family behind and make a lonely trek to another country.

Yesterday, loneliness hit me hard. I began imagining what life in Adelaide alone will be like. Will I be that poor old lady who died unnoticed for 18 days? Will I be a depressed person holed up in some slum?

Nevermind that my sis and cousin – both girls – left Malaysia on their own to start new lives in the US and New Zealand. Their endevour ended up successful: my cousin has an enviable job while my sis found a job despite the economy being what it is in the US.

Somehow that big paranoid part of me believes that i will fail when they have succeeded, as if I feel that its my karma to not be able to live in a foreign country.

Its a bad habit of mine, believing that the worst would happen. Remember my IELTS exam? I was sure that I would barely get a 6.5. Turns out I got a 9!

The fear of being alone and depressed in a foreign country is tempting me to not go to Oz even if I do get my 475 visa. Fortunately this feeling ebbs after a while and a few days after my gloomy thoughts, I feel optimistic about the future again. Does anyone feel this way?

Some say I am lucky to make the trek alone because I wont have to worry about feeding a family while I am struggling to find a job. But having family around is great as you can lean on them when the going gets tough.

And I have to bloody tell my paranoid side that when I go off to Australia I am better off than my sis and cousin who absolutely had no one where they were going.

I have a cousin in Melbourne, friends in Sydney and Melbourne, and better, a cousin will join me in Adelaide – we may be migrating together.

I mean, seriously, how paranoid can I get?

So my question to those who have made the move – did u feel like this before leaving for another country?


3 thoughts on “Paranoia calls

  1. yes, i do feel uncertain at times whether to make the move. but when i real blogs like yours or the forum in global malaysians and watching channel 521 on astro, i will feel optimistic again about the move… hope we can be successful in getting the 475 and starting a new life down under… 🙂

  2. Me again 🙂
    Felt compelled to share that whilst moving locations may not be to easiest to do (especially if you are leaving behind close connections, loved ones and delicious food!) BUT it is also a great adventure, challenges your comfort zones and forces you to grow!
    Now because you have lived away from home before as a student and also live on your own,and you travel for work…you maybe already used to some of things which people like me had to get used because I was so used to having Mom around to pick up after me:)
    It is a good thing that you have a cousin moving with you, you will need that support network especially on low days(when you feel more homesick than usual).
    What I found eversince moving countries is how much I was challenged (in good ways) and in some aspect more confident of myself.
    In every change you undergo, there were be periods of uncertainties…god knows the number of times I felt like packing up and going back to KL if it weren’t for my marital ties here.
    I still miss KL but I miss my friends and family more BUT in turn I have also gained new experiences which I would never would have experience if I did not leave, met some of the loveliest of people and gone to some places which I would never have gone.:)
    A very wise neighbour once said to me when I first moved to OZ, she being from HK and had lived in OZ for over 20 years now..that I would need at least 2 years or maybe a bit more to really feel comfortable in my skin and start feeling at home. And she was right…I now call OZ home but I still love KL and Malaysia…like they all can take a Malaysian out of Malaysia but not take Malaysia out of the Malaysian. God Bless!

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